When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
