Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
