when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You have to summon your inner elephant
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
