The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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