i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
