i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
