First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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