____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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