Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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