Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
