she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
