When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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