I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
