You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
