So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
