forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
