There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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