umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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