I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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