Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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