I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize