so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
