Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
