Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
