It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You should frame my arrest warrant.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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