I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
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Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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