I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
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I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
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I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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