I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
