just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
