I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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