How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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