Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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