You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
