Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
