I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
