made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
third nipple confirmed
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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