shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
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some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
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My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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