Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
