I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
