If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
