made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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