she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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