did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize