This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
