Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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