Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
