My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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