dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
