dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
