strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
