im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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