I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
