I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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