I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
smell my finger.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
